What the Fuss Was About

Somewhere around a year ago, we began using a creative form of reward and discipline (something God showed me while I was doing the dishes) that has been part of our family's life, in one form or another, ever since. We're a spanking and time-out household. Strong-willed hissy fits are our main behavioral issue (I have five, count them, five strong-willed children and I am claiming that will for the Kingdom), and so time-outs are an almost continual happening (because I absolutely refuse to reason with an unreasonable child). I've found that after ten minutes or so in time-out they are pretty much begging for forgiveness and are willing to accept whatever consequence is warranted for their initial (pre-fit) behavior. And, sometimes, the consequence for that behavior is the loss of one (or more) of their most prized possessions.

The currency of the Valente household....

....the ticket.

"Mama, Tiny Dancer hit me!" 

"Cuddle Bug, forgive your sister. Tiny Dancer, you owe your sister a ticket and an apology."

And that's not just an example I pulled out of a hat, I'm pretty sure I said that today. If Bay Bit breaks something of Lil Prince's, she has to pay him in tickets. If Lil Prince doesn't come the first time I call him, while I am busy in the kitchen, elbow deep in chicken, I might (and do often) start counting, "One ticket...two tickets...three tickets..," and you can bet he will book it down the stairs. 

That, in short, is how they lose tickets.

Here's how they earn them....

(Quiet time, happiness, obedience, brushing teeth, brushing hair, making bed, getting dressed, doing homework, taking/picking up trash, cleaning table, picking up toys, doing dishes and folding laundry.)

At the close of every day I sit under this chart with each child and go through the sections carefully, letting them help me decide how many stars (which are immediately redeemed for tickets) they should receive. They can earn up to two stars for obedience, happiness, brushing teeth and brushing hair. For everything else, one star is the limit, and they always get one allowance ticket that is completely unearned and cannot be lost. In addition to the chart time, I will also reward extraordinary behavior, throughout the day, with a ticket or two.

And each child has a pocket like this one, at the front of his or her notebook, where they store and save their tickets.

When we first began the ticket system, we felt the need to have a stocked "store" and to keep it open at all times. Even though we were only stocking with candy and chapstick, though, it quickly became more than we could handle financially, and our children weren't inspired to save beyond the immediate gratification fulfilled by candy.

After about six months of evolution, we have ended up with a system that works perfectly with our tight budget and our children's currency. And you saw the result of that this morning! We do occasionally pick up a trinket, or a bag of candy, and offer that at a lower price (sometimes they bite, sometimes they don't), but we also have three big ticket items that have caused quite a stir with our kids.

30 tickets = a late night alone with Mom and Dad

50 tickets = a happy meal at McDonald's (we eat fast food about once a month, but we never splurge for the Happy Meal), or a lunch date with Mom or Dad. 

100 tickets = king or queen for a day!

Today, and we're all super proud of him because he was the first to save to one-hundred (his sisters are fast on his heels), Lil Prince was our king. 

He didn't do a single chore all day (paid time-off, of course), he ordered German Pancakes for his breakfast in bed and chocolate cake for his special dessert. His wish was pretty much our command throughout the day, and he even stayed up a little later than his sisters to play video games with Dad. His sisters were happy to oblige him, thrilled to honor his achievement (a hugging party actually ensured when he traded in his one-hundred tickets and picked a calendar day for his pampering).

 Basically, he was spoiled rotten...something we don't get to do much of around here.

And that, my friends, is my best explanation of our ticket system and documented proof of the first ever "Lil Prince Day" (of which I'm sure there will be many more)!

It was your day, sweet boy. And you earned it!!

8:34 - 8:50 AM

8 AM

I'm on my way upstairs to crown a very special little man...

It Was the Most Beautiful Dress

Despite the wrinkles, because it's been crumpled in a giveaway bag for months now, this is still the most beautiful dress in the world. Somewhere out there are pictures of me actually wearing it. There won't be any of those today, though. It makes a prettier dress than it does a sausage casing. I guess I've saved it hoping that it might once again fit. Ahem. But I announced to Papa Bear last night, "If and when it fits, where, oh where will I wear it?!" And, so, it is going to be material for a very special project in about 5.3 seconds.

Check back tomorrow for the hopefully fabulous results!

Who's Rough and Tumble and Pink and Flowers All Over?

Yep, that's my girl:)

Expert Answers - Series 1 Question 2

You asked -

"I pray and pray for this answer. Maybe I can get some insight here (:

I do believe in spanking (however, not in anger, of course) and I also have tried other things as well. I would LOVE to hear someone's success story on discipline. Mine are 3 and 4.5. I am BIG on being consistent but I have a very hard time figuring out what type of discipline to use for what offense. Talking back doesn't seem to deserve the same punishment as hitting/pushing/biting (or does it?) I just want someone to TELL me what to do and when...lol. I am so worried that I will mess up and either not do enough or do the wrong type at the wrong time. 

HELLLLLP!

(: Thanks in advance!"




Rachel answered -


I totally get where you are coming from. I feel like God gave me a guideline that has really helped me, though:


As parents, we are to help our kids know the Lord and follow what He tells us in His word. When it comes to kids God keeps it very simple. There are only two things He tells them to do (Ephesians 6:1-2):


#1 Children and to OBEY their parents.
#2 Children are to HONOR their parents


God calls Christian parents to "chasten" their children when they don't obey what He has told them to do (honor and obey their parents). The guideline my husband and I try to follow in our home is this: if our kids dishonor or disobey us then they get spanked. And the majority of our discipline falls into this category. 


If their offense falls into another category it requires a consequence of another sort. This guideline makes discipline clear for ourselves and our kids. So, to answer your question, in our home back-talking gets a spanking because it is dishonoring (rule #2). "No biting" is a rule in our home so the appropriate consequence for biting is the one for disobedience (rule #1), which is also a spanking. In both of these cases they haven't done what God told them to do, and the consequence is clear.


As far as hitting and pushing go, these have always been gray areas for me because I've not wanted to make a hard and fast rule about them. Why? Because I have three boys who love to wrestle! When one of my kids comes to me complaining about another sibling pushing them (and they weren't wrestling), the offender gets a consequence (which is usually a certain number of minutes alone on his bed).


It's great that you are big on being consistent! That's huge in being a successful parent. God is always consistent with us and He's our greatest example.


I hope this will be a help to you. Keep up the great work!:)




Keep knocking 'em out of the park, Rachel. We'll be back soon!

Expert Answers - Series 1 Question 1

Our first parenting expert is my good friend Rachel. I have chosen her as my peer parenting expert, because, well, she is the mother of four of the most precious, godly children that I know. You may not agree with everything she has to say, but it's hard to argue with results!:) Rachel has been married for fifteen years and has three boys (ages 7-10) and one preteen girl.

You asked -

"Ok, I'm having trouble with discipline- how to discipline one child (usually my son) in public without ruining it for the rest of the kids. I would like to just pick up and leave when he is acting up, but when the girls are being so good, I feel bad."


Rachel answered -


The youngest of my four children is seven now, but when they were all smaller we worked a lot of behavior. We worked on it at home where it was easier for me to focus and correct. Then, when we would go out, we would talk about behavior on the way to our destination. I reminded them about hanging onto the basket, no touching things, good manners and especially obeying quickly. I also warned about spanking and leaving early if their behavior required it. I only had to actually leave a place, or cut a trip short, a handful of times before they understood that good behavior is not only required but is a very serious thing.

Try to remember that it's great to have fun, but when one child is needing discipline, that's more important. Just like scripture talks about the Body, a family can be looked at as a mini-picture of the Body. I Corinthians 12:26 says when one member suffers, all the members suffer with it. Instead of the 'every man for himself' concept, siblings should be learning to work together, helping and encouraging each other to do right. They need to learn that their behavior affects all the family (a great lesson to get down before they're teens). :)

Kids need to understand the concept of unity. As a family we go through ups and downs together. A family is to be united in good times and helpful when one member is walking through the bad.

So, if you have to leave a place because your son is needing discipline, don't feel badly. You can still reward the girls' good behavior (maybe with a treat or activity at home). This way they learn the benefits of doing right, but they also see the way they affect each other's lives through their good and bad decisions/behavior.

And you, as mom, set an example of what's important. The goal is for everyone to have great behavior and fun together as a family!



Thanks, Rachel! Stayed tuned for more, y'all!

Grandma's Nine

Cousins Climbing Trees

It just doesn't get much better than that.

The Lord is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want

I have exactly sixteen minutes of down time before the next round of feeding, changing and cooking begins. Yes, I do have eight five and under today (plus one ten year old), but that's really not so many....not when five of them are your own. I wanted to give this post a little more time than sixteen (now fifteen) minutes, but I guess this will have to do.

Last weekend I "caught" Cuddle Bug praising God in her sleep. And no, it was about two in the morning and I didn't think to get it on camera! But she was lying there, sound asleep, with her hand raised and waving slowly. I had to clench my heart with my hand to keep it from leaping to my death. She also did that last week at the dinner table when her favorite worship song started playing. I think she might have gone to heaven for three or four minutes. All I know is she closed her eyes and lifted her hands and none of us mattered anymore. Have I mentioned lately that I love that girl?!

Tiny Dancer has always been a worshiper, too. And lately she's been asking questions about how to become a Christian. I haven't wanted to force the issue while my kids are still so young. But I began my walk with the Lord at four years old, so I definitely don't think they are too young. I also don't think that Christianity necessarily begins with a "sinner's prayer," but I do think it's nice to have a day, set aside, as a milestone...a "from today on I will follow Jesus" day, if you will.

While she doesn't yet have that day, she has certainly been acting like a new Christian. And that's good and bad, in my experience with new believers. There is one particular attitude that I like to call New Christian Disease. And, by golly (and because she is my daughter), she is really struggling with this. Basically, New Christian Disease is my term for a clear view of sin without a firm grasp of the love of God. The flesh is suddenly disgusting, and the "plank and the speck" analogy strongly applies. Maybe I should just call it Christian Disease. But it's almost always present in brand new, on fire, believers...even five year old ones, I guess.

Yesterday, one of her very best friends was here (she's here again today). Tiny Dancer always struggles when she's here because, sadly, I have a somewhat materialistic daughter who is admittedly green with envy over everything this little girl has. It doesn't help matters that her friend has noticed this weakness and will often taunt and threaten her with lines like, "I won't buy you anything for your birthday if you don't play my game". Still, this is our home, our rules, and this conflict is my fault. So Tiny Dancer and I have weekly talks about birthdays (we do buy our kids birthday presents, I just have to remind them to keep the wishlist short) and Christmas and no holiday presents and just stuff in general. One look at her Compassion brother and she's ready to give away everything she owns. I hear her, almost daily, reminding herself that "Jesus is important, people are important, stuff is not important!" It's become her mantra, and I know that life, and, more importantly, eternal life, will be that much more glorious for her if that truth threads through and around her sweet heart.

Yesterday, though, we hit a bump in our learning road. A bump very similar to when I was her age and told all of my cousins that Santa wasn't real. I think I might have induced actual tears with, "If he's real, why is he driving a car?!" Let your kids play with my kids at your own risk! Yesterday I heard wailing from upstairs. It was Tiny Dancer and not her friend, thank goodness. But when I yelled upstairs to ask her what was wrong, I had to laugh and cringe at her plank-filled response.

"Mama, I'm tryyyyying to tell them about God, but nobody will listen! I tooooooold them that God is the most important, but they still want their stupid pink stuff!"

"Oh, Lord, it's New Christian Disease," I muttered under my breath, and then I called her downstairs to talk. I bundled her in my lap and smiled, "Sweetie, is that how Jesus talks to you?"

She shook her head slowly and sighed, "But Mama, they think stuff is important and it's not!!"

"You're right. But you know what? You think it's pretty important, too. And do you want to know a really big secret?" She looked up intently and I continued, "Sometimes I think it's important, too."

"You do?!" she marveled, and then she dropped her head again, "How do I stop wanting stuff?"

"Well, Baby, you just start wanting Jesus. And you trust in His love for you...that He will give you everything that you need." And then I whispered softly in her ear, "and sometimes, He'll even give you that unimportant stuff that you want....just because He loves you so much."

She smiled and said, "He will?!"

"Yep, sometimes He will. Right now, though, you need to go do some apologizing."

And she jumped from my lap and headed upstairs. I wish I could say that the plank was gone (and from me too), but at least she'll be leaving the speck alone.

If...

I have a pretty awful but still kinda funny story that I want to tell. But if you don't hear from me today, here's why.

It's 1:49 AM, and I Love the Rain

It's the middle of the night and I've just spent the last five minutes wandering around in the dark looking for a plug [Read: outlet. I always call it the wrong thing]. My battery life reads, "42 minutes remaining" and I somehow think that's not enough time. I'm a lunatic. But the good kind, I hope. One of the crazy for Jesus, I guess. I couldn't find a plug because I'm not at home. I'm at what was suppose to be an all night prayer meeting at my church [building], but it's not even two and I'm the only one still awake. And I'm obviously not currently praying. It was an awesome time, though, even if we're not yet mature enough to "sit ye here".

At one point we were praying over one of my favorite people and God showed me a picture of her with her chest wide open and prepped for surgery. She was awake and she held the needle and thread and was attempting to suture her own broken and bleeding heart. It was a gory, awful mess. But God also showed me that, although she hadn't noticed, His hand was right there holding a brand new perfect heart ready to be exchanged for the one she was mending. It was so beautiful, and obviously not just a picture for my friend but something that we all need to grab hold of....

I cannot fix me.

I cannot fix my spouse.

I cannot fix my children.

But God can. And not only that, God is aching to do just that.

We began experiencing a freedom tonight that, I think, we've been lacking for months. But we tasted it again, and I do not want to go back to the boring, yuck life I've been steadily creeping back toward. Oh, Lord, how does that always happen! What an Israelite I am! It began to pour as we prayed, and another friend turned to me and said, "Don't you say that rain is the Holy Spirit?" I nodded and smiled; and it's true, I do say that a lot. I can smell the rain coming and I long, "Come, Holy Spirit!" And when it begins to pour I want to run through it and stand in it like a child. I want it streaming like tears down my face, washing me clean and reviving my soul.

So, tonight, as worship music inspired us and the Holy Spirit freed us, I grabbed a hand and said, "Come on, let's go get rebaptized!" We darted into the rain like children and danced under cool and gentle drops of the grace of God. And yes, it was every bit as glorious as it sounds.

I'm dry now, but my spirit no longer is. I am tired, though, so I guess I'll go curl up on the floor next to my sleeping babes, and I'll pray that the rain falls steadily through the night.